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Thursday, January 11, 2007
alive at 1/11/2007 04:53:00 pm

walking home this morning ,
the sky was bright ;
but a drizzle was falling from above .
and it seemed to fuse with those mixed feelings in me .

my past -
a time where i used to call it "our story" .
now , it remains in my mind as "my memories" .
many scars it had left on me ,
yet they weren't there for nothing ;
valuable lessons learnt .

it was my mistake ,
i was too selfish .
i had my share of attention ,
yet i wished for perfection .
and the road to it led me to despair .

the present -
a new beginning ,
a new chance ,
and a new story to be started .

at the start , it seemed impossible .
looking from afar ,
i knew that those moments that i imagined ,
could only appear in my dreams .

unexpected as it was ,
i felt my dream starting to come true .
bearing in mind the lessons learnt ,
i took a step forward ,
cautiously ,
trying to discover you .

and never had it felt so real .
it was all sweet at the start .
i thought to myself ,
i couldn't expect much more than this .

the past appeared in my mind ,
everytime i tried to make any move .
each time i wanted to make things happen ,
the scars would warn me of not to let history repeat itself .

i thought it was fine ,
i thought time would slowly melt away the ice .
but in the end ,
it didn't seem to be much help at all .
things seemed unchangable .

ignorance fell against insecurity ,
insecurity led to confusion .
i couldn't help thinking , wondering ,
what really was on your mind .

at first thought ,
i really didn't wanna believe the first thing that came to my mind .
but suddenly i realized ,
maybe it was true along .
reality has to be faced ,
running away isn't a solution .

you wish for an everlasting relationship ,
and i would want it too .
it takes two hands to clap ,
and two hearts to love .

its easy to achieve an everlasting relationship .
as long as no one lets go , its possible .
but you need to understand ,
it takes both sides .
what's the point of having an everlasting relationship ,
when the feelings aren't there ?

it isn't hard for others to understand you .
it's just that when they do ,
you insist on your thoughts ,
when you're not even sure of what you're feeling .

think again ;
love me ,
or not wanting to let me go ?
they're two totally different feelings .

maybe you went through too much in your life .
perhaps your past was somehow rough like mine .
and this time , you're sure that i wouldn't hurt you .
yes , you're that sure , thats why you chose me .
but was the feeling there for you ?
please understand the difference ,
of the feeling of security and the feeling of love .

you said you were afraid ,
and i believed your every word .
i gave you time ,
hoping that you'd slowly open up .

and then you told me your fear was gone .
but yet you remained the same .
i stood there staring blankly into space ,
confused by your actions ,
contradicting your words .

but now that i've realized it ,
i have to let you understand .

i'm sorry to say this but ,
the reason isn't your fear ,
but the reason is that you wanted me ,
you hoped for an everlasting relationship with me .
but it was because you knew i wouldn't hurt you ,
and not because you felt the same as i did .

i'm sorry ,
that you had to force yourself ,
to do things that you didn't want to .
you said you didn't mind ,
but i know you did all those just to prevent me from being sad ,
and not that you'd understood things .

thinking about it ,
i guess i've finally understood you .
i've finally explained my own doubts ;
i'm not confused anymore .

i hope you'd try to understand yourself better .
follow your heart ,
and not your mind .

but even if all this was true ,
it doesn't mean that i've given up .
i still won't ever forget that first day ,
when the image of you kept appearing in my mind ,
refusing to disappear .
i'll never forget that feeling ,
when i felt as if my dream came true .

if things became impossible ,
i'd still wanna be your best friend ,
still being there for you ,
like what i'm doing now .

i promised that i'd walk you through ,
no matter how tough the road is .
and i still will ,
whether i'm with you , or whether i'm not .

i'll still love you for what you are ,
and not what you're gonna become .
maybe one day when you finally understand ,
and you really feel something in your heart ,
i'll be waiting .

maybe now its time for me to be guided ?
can someone save me ?
can someone tell me what i should do ?

my mind tells me to let go ;
my heart reacts with pain .

i love you.



Ohh and yes. iphone is out. But next year then come singapore :[